FORGET GIBRALTA - AN INCIDENT THAT WILL CAST A SHADOW OVER BRITISH-SPANISH DIPLOMACY FOR DECADES TO COME
How outrageous! What disgraceful behaviour from a couple who should know better! I am boiling over with anger! Just look at the shocking infringements to the rules of polite social intercourse perpetrated by the shameful Duke and Duchess of Cambridge.
The Duke and Duchess of Cambridge did not stand for the King of Spain
I’m quivering with rage! How dare anyone ignore the King of Spain! The Hereditary Grand Duke of Luxembourg stood up to greet the King of Spain. It was a delight to see such genuine warmth between two obvious friends. A few moments later so did the President of the French Republic (I am quaking with crankiness that some posters mis-identified him as the President of Federal Republic of Germany!
Quelle horreur!) So nobody else stood up? Irrelevant! That the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge did not stand is enough to make me clutch my pearls and hyperventilate with exasperation! But maybe, just maybe, the All Powerful God of Protocol, Whose Commands Must Be Obeyed, does not require guests to stand every time a person of higher rank takes their seat. Perhaps, just perhaps, there is no requirement to stand at all until the proceedings officially begin (unless, of course one wants to greet a particular friend). After all, that is what seems to happen in a church at royal weddings prior to the arrival of the host sovereign. But no, that is not good enough! I will not be swayed!
It should be decreed that at public ceremonies prior to the beginning of official proceedings:
ALL ROYAL PERSONAGES must stand when anyone of higher rank arrives to take their seat. They must also bow or curtsey with an appropriate level of deference. Guests popping up and down like a Mexican wave of jack-in-the boxes are pleasing to the God of Protocol, Whose Commands Must Be Obeyed.
The Duke and Duchess of Cambridge did not even acknowledge the King of Spain
I’m palpitating with fury! How dare anyone snub the King of Spain? But perhaps, just perhaps, it was not really a snub. The Duchess of Cambridge was politely chatting to the French President when the King of Spain butted in to greet the President. The Duchess suddenly found herself in an awkward position, probably with a sad little comment left hanging in the air. Had she already greeted the King earlier as has been suggested? Is that why she glanced away, to give the French President and the King of Spain a moment of privacy to greet each other? But no, that is not good enough! I will not be swayed!
It should be decreed that, in the above situation, if the said person of higher rank, prior to taking his seat, circulates to greet other guests:
ALL ROYAL PERSONAGES, even if they have already appropriately greeted the person of higher rank in private, must repeat their greeting in public if the person of higher rank comes within a three-metre radius. If necessary, a small wave of the hand, or slight touch on the arm, may be used to instigate a repeat performance of a gracious, warm and friendly, encounter. Guests meandering about greeting, or re-greeting, each other with an appropriate display of restrained, but friendly, public affection, without delaying the arrival of the official party, is pleasing to the God of Protocol, Whose Commands Must Be Obeyed.
The Duke and Duchess of Cambridge looked bored, vacant, uncertain, out of their depth, etc. etc.
I am throbbing with disgust! How dare anyone look disengaged at a public engagement! Even at their wedding this couple did not seem really present. But perhaps, just perhaps, we should not take photos, or thirty-second videos, out of context. After all, many royals can take on a glum expression in an unguarded moment of repose, just look at Queen Sofia of Spain! Aren’t we just looking for excuses to justify an already existing, irrational antipathy for a person we have never even met? Are we not just seeing what we want to see? Do we take a smug delight in saying, “I told you so” after we transform the most innocuous action into a
cause célèbre? Are we, perhaps, wrong? But no, that is not good enough! I will not be swayed!
It should be decreed that at any public engagement:
ALL ROYAL PERSONAGES must maintain a facial countenance appropriate to the tone of the engagement. There are three basic expressions to choose from:
- Happy and interested
Not too exultant, a hearty laugh can be vulgar, particularly if it is loud, sounds unusual, or causes an unattractive snort. It can also lead to accusations of frivolity. A nice smile (not too toothy), a lightly rippling laugh, or an amused, quizzical look are acceptable choices. In her classic novel, Love in a Cold Climate, Nancy Mitford describes how Cedric transformed Lady Montore’s expression: 'I make her say “brush” before she comes into the room,' Cedric explains. 'lt fixes at once this very gay smile on one's face.'
- Neutral and interested
This one requires the most practice and concentration. Some helpful methods include: a slight incline of the head, a half-smile and a nod in agreement, or a thoughtful glance into the mid distance. Anything to stop the face falling into a state of expressionless inactivity is encouraged.
- Sad and interested
A tear or two, discreetly wiped away by a neatly folded handkerchief, is appropriate. No tears may be interpreted as coldness, à la Queen Elizabeth II. Too many tears may appear undignified and out of control. They can also have unattractive physical effects, such as blood-shot eyes, hyperventilating, hiccupping, squeaky noises, or, worst of all, a runny nose. Mourners may be comforted with a sensitively placed hand or ever-so-slight embrace.
Any royal personage who presents to the world, uninterrupted, a countenance of interest, encouragement, or empathy is pleasing to the God of Protocol, Whose Commands Must Be Obeyed.
Who is to blame?
So there we have it. The Duke and Duchess of Cambridge are condemned as rude and inadequate representatives of the Queen. However the Queen must be unaware of the shortcomings of the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge; otherwise she would not let them represent her. Do you think we should tell her?