I'll grant you it might be best for all sides if Meghan and the royals never have to interact again - she clearly despises them, and the sentiment is undoubtedly returned, even if the royals are quieter about it. But why does that mean it's best if the Queen never sees Archie again, and never gets to meet Lili? Not getting along with your in-laws is one thing. Using your children as tools to try to force your in-laws to publicly apologize for some perceived slight having nothing to do with the children is quite another, and it's not good for anyone - especially the children. If one parent can't force him or herself to tolerate their in-laws for a few days, that's their own issue, and it doesn't justify preventing the other parent from taking their own children to see their own relatives. The right answer in that case is that the parents who hates the in-laws either sucks it up and manages to be civil because they're an adult and sometimes adults need to do that, or resigns themselves to occasionally being parted from their children on those occasions.
And why is it essential for Lili to be in California for her first birthday? It might be different for a child old enough to understand that 1) today is their birthday, and 2) they're not getting a party on their birthday because Great-Grandma's having a bigger party for herself, but we're talking about a one-year-old. First birthdays are typically geared towards extended family anyway, because one-year-olds can't really have independent meaningful friendships with peers. They can certainly afford to fly Doria to the UK with them if they think her presence on that specific date is important. It's not as if Lili goes to full-time daycare while her parents work, so she's probably never or almost never around other kids her age anyway. If Harry and Meghan have their hearts set on a party with Lili's "friends" from a well-baby group or something like that, that's all well and good, but it makes no difference to Lili whether that happens on her birthday or 1-2 weeks later.
But why would it benefit the children if their parents have to engage in an unhappy environment purely for the optics?
How much are you supposed to 'suck up', so two wee toddlers can experience something they won't even remember by the time they hit double digits? And for how long?
After everything that has transpired, the negatives, of such a visit completely overwhelm any positive.
(Especially with talkative courtiers/principals, gleefully anticipating opportunities to run off to the press about who Meghan made cry this time Pt 467.)
I also don't understand why it's essential for Lili be in the UK on her 1st birthday, for what can only generously be described as a likely uncomfortable reunion.
Archie & Lili are really no different to millions of children who live happily content lives on different continent from extended families, either by choice or necessity.
Their father can always bring over pictures, videos, cards, if need be, while the children remain with their mother.
I'm sure they easily communicate to their great grandmother by video call, as many great grandchildren round the world - who are lucky to have access - already do.
I'll add that for whatever reason, this security story was leaked now.
(The actual Home Office request was made in Sept 2021, only 'revealed now, some 6 months later.)
I believe this unlikely-to-be-granted request, is merely serving as a precursor for the family's eventual no-show.
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